How to Recognize Obscenity

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) decides what we are allowed to see and hear over the public airwaves. In the early days of television, this required married couples to sleep in separate beds, prevented any physical expression of affection and prohibited any language that might be anywhere close to swearing. The standards today are much more relaxed, but are still much more restrictive than what you might see and hear in your everyday life (depending on where you live, how observant you are and how thick your rose-colored glasses are.) I'm not complaining. A constant reminder of a higher standard is a positive influence and could help slow society's downward spiral into detached depravity (sounds like a good name for a band.)

Several years ago, a "wardrobe malfunction" during the Super Bowl halftime show, allowed millions of Americans to see a nipple. Amazingly enough, the country didn't burst into flames, no plagues of locusts, no floods, no noticeable ill-effects at all. However, the FCC didn't want to take any chances so they tightened all of their rules to protect us from anything they deemed obscene. Fines up to $250,000 for every radio or t.v. station that broadcast anything the FCC decided was obscene. The catch was, you didn't know if what you were broadcasting was obscene or not until after the broadcast. How would you like to be driving down the highway at the speed you've always driven and suddenly get pulled over to find out that today the speed limit is 5 mph and you were doing 55? Not an ideal situation for broadcasters, so they all erred on the side of caution to avoid the risk.

Let's examine this incident. Other than a few jokes about putting an eye out, I know of no instance where a woman's nipple has caused serious bodily or emotional injury. As the source of the best food supply for newborn babies, I would have to say it is a symbol of life. Very early in every human culture this was recognized and venerated as a symbol to represent fertility. Breasts and nipples serve a very important purpose and are not obscene. That doesn't mean there aren't ways of depicting them that could be considered, if not obscene, certainly inappropriate for prime-time television.

Recently, a heated debate has erupted over healthcare and contraception. Many people feel that health insurance providers should not be required to include the cost of contraceptives, since contraception is not allowed by some religions. In my mind a rather silly argument since the provider is not the one using the contraception. Should hardware stores be prohibited from selling rope since some people hang themselves with it? Apparently so if you believe some of our esteemed Senators and Representatives.

Oral contraceptives, commonly called "birth control pills" or simply "the pill", work by altering a woman's hormone balance. There are some instances where the use of the pill is a medical necessity to prevent the formation of ovarian cysts. Granted, most prescriptions are simply to prevent unwanted pregnancy. The other 2 methods are to suppress your body's natural impulses and only have sexual relations when you are actively attempting to become pregnant (not the healthiest option), or roll the dice and hope. The roll the dice method usually earns you the title "mommy". Choosing to be responsible and taking control of your own reproductive system seems a mature and proper act.

Now, back to the topic, obscenity. Recently Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke spoke before a House of Representative's committee about the the previously mentioned contraception debate. In response, knowing nothing at all about Ms. Fluke, conservative talk radio host (and in my opinion, a blithering idiot), Rush Limbaugh called her a "slut" and stated that she was just wanting to be paid for sex. He went on to say that if he was going to have to pay for her to have sex, she needed to post videos of it to the internet. Where is the FCC when you need it? I can not imagine anything more obscene than the ideas expressed by Rush Limbaugh. Not only are they hurtful, they serve no purpose other than to inflict pain, but they are dangerous. Should we stone to death any woman we see buying a home pregnancy test? What about contraceptive sponges or lingerie? How could anyone hate all women so much to be able to spout out such vitriol? How could anyone, upon hearing the poison and filth spewed forth by Rush Limbaugh (I refrain from using the appellation "Mr." since I consider that a term of respect,) continue to have any respect for anything he has to say?

If you're a Rush Limbaugh fan, I'm sorry. Not for possibly offending you, but for the fact that you've chosen to embrace hatred as a way of life.

In case you haven't noticed, this is extremely disjointed and rambling. It's caused by suppressing a normal and natural urge to reach out and strangle someone.

My Thanks to Everyone!

I had planned on a blog post today to document the high, low and incredibly stupid points in my life. However, the result promised to be depressing, boring and embarrassing. Instead I'll limit it to a few thanks for favors past.

To my family: Great Grandparents, Grandparents, Parents, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces and Nephews. Each and every one of you has taught me something valuable. You have given love when I didn't deserve it, advice when I didn't want it and support when I couldn't ask for it. Most of all you have given me memories, one of the few things the IRS hasn't figured out how to tax. I thank you all for making me proud to be part of such a bizarre clan.

To the girl who, a few seconds after midnight, Jan. 1, 1981 gave me my first new year's kiss. That was a sweet, innocent and unselfish act, and if you read this and remember, I hope it brings a smile. Thank you for taking a few seconds to make my world a happier place.

To all of my friends through the years, Hollywood would need 20 years to make all the movies of our adventures. There have been horror stories, cliffhangers, love stories, high drama and low-brow humor. The ratings run from something too sweet and innocent for Disney to mess with to stuff that would shock and disgust the folks at Hustler. Thank you for the lessons learned, the scars gained and for destroying the incriminating evidence.

To Greg, Trudi, Gordon, Ron, Ginny and Carla, you taught me to do the Kingston Shuffle, expanded my horizons, threw food at me and sometimes made me want to scream. Remember the 3am calls to get punk rock dedications played for the Kingston Hot tub Party? Chartered bar hopping? Feeding the gophers after the toga party and of course the famous Plumbkinfest? We were all horrible at times, but somehow made it through. Thank you for breaking me out of my shell and teaching me the meaning of friendship.

To Lorane, you deserved better than me. I didn't realize what a treasure I held in my arms until you were forever beyond my reach. You gave me love without reservation and taught me the meaning of strength. Thank you for making my dreams come true, if only for awhile.

To all the women who have given me joy and pain, thank you for sharing a bit of yourselves with this wandering fool. Some gave advice and conversation, some gave friendship and laughter, some gave trouble and pain, but each of you had a hand in getting me to this day. As Paul Simon sang: "If you took all the girls I knew when I was single, and brought them all together for one night, I know they'd never match my sweet imagination, everything looks better in black and white."

To all the waiters, waitresses, bartenders and front desk clerks that have taken the steps beyond just doing your job, I give thanks. You've taken the time to make me feel at home. You make me feel like I'm more than just a another customer. Whether it's just a sincere smile and hearty welcome or a 4 hour conversation ranging from ghost stories to cooking experiences, you made an effort and made my life better.

To my fellow employees, both past and present, you've made it both a job and an adventure. My friends on the USS Michigan made me feel like a celebrity, and Ray at Sandia National Labs had me feeling like we owned the place. Of course I have to mention all the folks at McFarling Foods. Everyday is a cross between a freakshow and a revival mixed with LSD and viagra.

There have been teachers, instructors, professors and coaches that each gave a bit of themselves to me. I've had compliments from strangers and kindness when I least expected it. I've had smiles from pretty girls and lenience from police officers. Although my balance sheet is far enough in the red to need a government bailout, each of you has given me memories more precious than gold.

May you all experience in the coming year at least a portion of the joy you have brought to my life over the years!

How about some Texas Tea?

Texas Governor and presidential hopeful, Rick Perry has announced part of his plan to fix the economy and create jobs. Gov. Perry wants to reduce regulations and open up protected federal lands for oil exploration. Really? If he was from Wisconsin, I'm guessing the solution would lie within the dairy industry. Let me translate for Gov. Perry: Let my rich friends and supporters rape the land and screw the people and we will all be better off ("we" includes those rich friends and supporters and excludes everyone else).

I'm not a raving environmentalist. I don't panic every time the weather is unseasonably, hot, cold, wet, dry or windy. Holes in the ozone layer worry me about as much as holes in my underwear. When things start falling out, it's time to do something. However, oil production is not a long-term solution. This is nothing more than the continuation of the mañana principle. Let me explain. Mañana is Spanish for tomorrow. Long ago, some friends used to take trips to Mexico twice a year. They always stayed at the same place, and next door was a hotel being built by two (and only two) men. After a few years of watching the extremely slow progress, they asked the men when the hotel would be finished. Their reply: "mañana".

Postponement is not a solution. The world's oil usage continues to grow. At some point the supply will be gone. Should we be trying to reach that point as quick as possible? The shift in recent years towards renewable energy seems a good move. Granted, eventually the sun will stop producing the light needed for solar energy. When that happens, everyone will be riding in a gas-powered nova (physics pun, ignore it). There will be failures in the efforts to better harness the sources of renewable energy, there will even be disasters. People will die, lives will be ruined and money will be lost. These are the building blocks of progress.

Time to suck it up, Gov. Perry. Hit a few boardrooms in Houston and let them good ol' boys know that you're no longer for sale. The President of the United States should have more important things to do than making sure the rich get richer while the rest of us get screwed.

Does anyone buy this crap?

Today, I inadvertently paid attention to a radio commercial I've been hearing for months. The relevant line stated that I could "Have my credit card debt eliminated indefinitely". Elimination seems to be something that is definite. Is the next step Agnostic Fanaticism, Aggressive Apathy or Focused Diffusion? Perhaps the advertising industry has reached the conclusion, Americans will accept anything as long as it is incomprehensible.

Every month the same car dealer is offering the same special, limited time deal, jewelry stores claim the best deals and insurance companies tell you how much the average person saves if they switch. Guess how many people switch when they find out they'll be spending $437 more. Banks, Credit Card Companies and Mortgage Brokers are all urging us to spend money we don't have in order to save and some guy in an Uncle Sam suit is frantically trying to get me to pull my 15 year old Volvo in so he can give me top dollar for my gold. Pardon me for a moment while I scream.

Every transaction is based on profit. If I hold a door open for someone it is because I value the feeling I get for being courteous. The guy on E-Bay selling his leather bound five year collection of Playboy magazine featuring the entire playboy philosophy by Hugh M. Hefner (extra-credit to anyone who gets that musical reference) will only sell when the price is acceptable. Advertising is an effort to short circuit your reasoning abilities. You have to dye your hair, buy a new car and refinance your home. Go out and pick up some beer, change banks and get an iPhone. While you're at it, stop by the feminine hygiene aisle, buy some dog food and paint your house. Spend, borrow, spend borrow and then get someone to eliminate your debt indefinitely. Is it any wonder our economy is in the toilet (kept spotless by Ty D Bowl)?

Is Obama "The Enemy"?

According to comments recently made by Hank Williams Jr., he not only feels justified in comparing President Barak Obama to Adolph Hitler, he also considers him "the enemy". Besides angering me (and apparently, some of the folks at ESPN), it brings some questions to mind. Foremost is: Why would any television network bring in Hank Williams Jr. for a political discussion? Ask him where the best groupies can be found. Question him on which drugs he normally abused before and after concerts. Seek the unbridled truth about his feelings on binge drinking. These are areas where he quite possibly has knowledge and even experience.

The comparison of Hitler and Obama is nothing new, I hear it often enough and am frankly sick of it. Have we invaded Canada or Mexico recently? Are we currently rounding up people of certain religions or ethnic backgrounds and exterminating them? Has President Obama declared himself part of some superior master race? If you answered "no" to these questions, then perhaps it's time you realized how ridiculous the comparison is. If you answered "yes", then you are so out of touch with reality that you are incompetent to even be involved in any political discussion. Tell the doctors to increase your dosage.

Most distressing is calling the duly elected President of the United States of America "the enemy". The fact that any sane American would make that statement is terrifying. Give it some thought. If (prior to May 2011) you considered Osama bin Laden as "the enemy" that is understandable. Considering the leader of your country as "the enemy" is treason. Dislike, disagree and distrust, all are reasonable responses. "The Enemy" is someone that is actively attempting to destroy you and must be stopped at all costs. If you still consider President Obama "the enemy" then you have but one option. Just as the American military (in which I proudly, and honorably served) did not stop until bin Laden was dead, you must do the same. Arm yourself, head to Washington and kill your enemy, or die trying. I'm reasonably certain of the outcome, but at least you will no longer have to worry about your enemy.

A Tiger By The Tail

You might have heard, the world's greatest golfer has had sex with several women. Apparently, this is a surprise to a majority of the world, proof that the majority haven't the slightest idea about anything. Perhaps I can open your eyes just a bit.

The typical man will have sex, with a woman he finds attractive, whenever the opportunity arises. Nearly 100% of men can be considered "typical" if you replace "a woman" with "anything." The only limiting factors are attraction and opportunity. Anyone who tells it different... Let's just say, you might want to check their cell phone. Having never been a woman, I can only use my own experience to assume most women exhibit the same behavior.

Some people are extremely narrow-minded when it comes to attraction, and have very limited opportunity. Rest assured, actually, this should keep you awake at night: if the attraction is strong enough, the opportunity will be found. This is nothing new, no sign of the impending apocalypse, no statement on morality in America. Marital infidelity has existed as long as the institution of marriage. It is no worse now than it was 20 years ago, 200 years ago, 2000 years ago. Except now it's "news."

Looking at the Tiger Woods situation, no one should be surprised. When it comes to opportunity knocking, his door probably has a hole worn through it. He's traveling unsupervised, and he's successful, talented and attractive. Given the opportunity, most women would jump at the chance for a night with Tiger. Hell, I'd jump at the chance if I thought he could teach me how to hit a low draw. No matter how particular he is, every day he will have the opportunity.

This problem of infidelity, if it can really be considered a problem, will not go away on its own. Something has to change first. Evolution could bring about the necessary changes in human behavior, although that is unlikely. The only change, likely to fix the problem, involves the concept of marriage. The "one size fits all" union has never worked and never will.

Most of us need some type of transportation. Maybe you need a pickup, a sports car, a sedan, a mini-van or an SUV. Toss in a few more categories and you can meet the transportation needs of everyone. Yet, there are over 30 companies selling several hundred different models of vehicles. When you add in color and options there are millions of choices available to each of us. When it comes to a family, we have two choices: get married to someone of the opposite sex, or don't get married. Everyone is different, every union is different, all marriages are forced to be the same.

If you're in a perfect union, neither person has ever, nor ever will, desire anything outside the home, enjoy your elite status. Just make sure to keep those opportunities limited. Instead of selfishly flaunting your own joy, how about allowing the other 95% have the chance to achieve their own marital bliss? This isn't just about same-sex marriage, it's about making marriage fit reality.

Twenty years ago I had a friend that lived with two men. She had needs and each man fulfilled some of those needs. In addition she had at least one woman and one other man, who also helped meet those needs. Everyone knew the situation and their place, and for the time I knew them, everyone seemed genuinely happy with the arrangement. Another couple I met had been married for over 30 years and were about to get divorced. Sex had disappeared from their lives and they found no joy in each other. They started going to an adult social club (swinger's club) and within a month their sex life, with each other, was better than it had ever been. That was over 10 years ago. Today, they look younger than they did then, are incredibly happy, and enjoy every moment they have together.

Look at your friends and family. Several of the people, you come in contact with on a regular basis, have non-traditional sexual activities. It makes them happy and keeps them together. Yet, if others were to find out, their lives could be ruined. They would be shunned by friends and family, jobs might be lost, reputations destroyed. All because the world refuses to let them find their own happiness.

Let Tiger and his wife alone, so they can find their own resolution. Let others find their own solutions and don't judge them for being different. There, that should alienate just about everyone.

A Roof Over My Head

Having once spent a winter with less than favorable shelter, I am happy to find myself with a roof over my head. If, at some point in the future I find there are no longer roofers over my head, working diligently to teach oxen to tap dance, then I'll truly be thrilled.

Six weeks ago, when I first toured my new apartment, the roofers were hard at work. The minor amount of water damage inside was scheduled for repair prior to my move. All was well with the world, at least that infinitesimal part of the world contained in this small apartment. Perhaps I was overly optimistic.

Having spent eight years in New Mexico, I can appreciate the benefits of a flat roof in the hot and arid desert. In a city that averages over 40 inches of rain per year, a pitched roof is probably a better choice. However, with a brand new roof there shouldn't be any problems. At least not for several years.

The buildings flat roof is an ideal location for air conditioning units. Units, which needed to be moved to install the new roof. This left my apartment with a nice big chimney for all the warm air to escape through. The HVAC company was diligent in putting everything back in it's place, requiring only a week to finish. In their haste to cover the large holes with A/C and ventilation ducting, they managed to poke a surprising number of small holes in the brand new roof. The first to be surprised were my next door neighbors. It seems they weren't expecting cold water to be running through a gaping hole in their ceiling. My own ceiling, though damp and discolored, has so far survived.

The next surprise, discovered by my downstairs neighbor, was big enough to share. Imagine my joy to be awoken late Wednesday night by the apartment maintenance man violently pounding on my door. The flooding downstairs was so bad, they wanted to make sure I hadn't drowned. My own ceiling was damp again, but still intact, with no leakage. I had no sooner crawled back to bed, when he returned, rapping vigorously on my door. He needed to check all my closets, just to be sure.

Now the roofers are back, apparently, getting some practice in for the upcoming soccer season. Besides patching the numerous small holes, they've also decided that the drain holes, which they plugged, might serve some useful purpose. Once they've finished, the noise level will decrease and the huge dumpster will be gone, freeing up three good parking spaces. The downside, I'll no longer be able to open my bedroom window and throw out the garbage.