If I Were a King

After years of listening to the ridiculous and irrational political discussions I've decided it's time for me to become President.  Too late to get on this ballot, so we'll have to shoot for 2016.  To prepare for this I'm going to need a campaign manager, a political strategist, a few good speech writers, a make-up genius and a group of people who don't panic every time I say "yes, I did" to some horrible allegation.  I'm also accepting campaign contributions.  Time to rob those piggy banks.  I'm expecting about $200,000,000 by January 1, 2013.

You're probably asking yourself if you can afford to give me millions of dollars, but the real question is, do you know a good country, that won't extradite?  To set everyone's mind at ease, I'm going to lay out my plan for a better America.  Since the word "Manifesto" has gotten so much bad publicity, I'm calling this my Transvesto.  What's on the surface may not be what's inside, and it's subject to change.

1.  All laws will be based on the Ten Commandments.  Not in regards to content, but in composition.  A law is for one thing, not 50 different line items attached to one thing.  Any current laws that contain multiple provisions will be abolished.

2.  All laws will be written in plain English.  If a random group of 20 teenagers can't interpret the law and come up with the exact same definition, then the law will be abolished.

3.  The tax code will be rewritten so the same group of teenagers will be able to understand  and explain it, without needing to refer to the tax code.

4.  The U.S. Secret Service will no longer be tasked with protecting a bunch of useless politicians.  their skills can be best used elsewhere.  The President will have a detail formed by random selection from all active duty military personnel.  This detail will serve as escort and honor guard for visits to other countries.  No other security will be provided at taxpayer expense.

5.  All members of Congress will be required to serve as active duty military at a position determined by their military experience and abilities, during any war or action where U.S. troops are engaged in warfare.  One half of the members from each state and territory represented will deploy at a time rotating each 6 months.  If something is worth fighting for, then the people ordering the fighting should be willing to do their part.  As Commander in Chief, the President will be required to lead at the position of greatest danger.

6.  Separation of Church and State:  In order to retain their tax-exempt status, each religious institution must meet the following guidelines.
     A.  The religious representatives must maintain a standard of living consistent with the median      income of all members of that institution.
     B.  Each institution will adopt 2% of their members from the local homeless population, and provide for their sustenance at a level consistent with provision 6A.
     C.  Each institution must abstain from any action which supports any political candidate, except for providing moral support for any member seeking political office.

7.  Welfare will be replaced.  The majority currently on welfare will be adopted by religious institutions wishing to maintain tax-exempt status.  The remainder will be trained to fill a position within their capabilities.

8.  All currently illegal recreational drugs will be legalized with the following restrictions:
     A.  Drugs may only be purchased at government centers.  These centers will be staffed by current government employees that would otherwise become unemployed as the size of government is reduced.
     B.  Anyone wishing to purchase drugs, must register with photo ID.  The information on drug use will be publicly available and must be verified by all employers.
     C.  All drugs purchased, must be consumed on the premises.
     D.  Any drugs determined too dangerous for use, will only be sold and administered in lethal doses.
     E.  Anyone caught, selling, distributing, manufacturing or using drugs illegally will become a short-term addict of a drug covered by provision 8D.

9.  All currently available and future prescription medication must be re-submitted for approval.  As a prerequisite for approval, clinical testing must be performed on immediate family members of the corporation's board and major stockholders.

10. Political campaign contributions will be subject to a tax equal to 100% of the contribution for amounts over $50.  Contributions of $50 or less are tax exempt.  Contributions can only be made by individual taxpayers.

11. Every citizen will be allowed to live their life in whatever way they choose with the following restriction:  Any action which may cause physical, emotional or financial harm to another, without their written consent, is prohibited.  This restriction applies to children and pets as well.

12. All government supplied foreign aid will be replaced with cooperative exchange programs.  Each country will be required to provide something of value in exchange for aid.  This provision also applies to trade and military assistance.

13. Healthcare will be government provided at the same level as is provided for all active duty military personnel.

14. All students will be required to take, in addition to their current curriculum, Art and Music classes.  Private schools will be required to provide, at no cost to the student, education to a number of low-income, public school students.  A minimum of 20% of the student body will be required to be from this source.

That should be enough to start with.  Let's get those campaign contributions coming in now, before I make them illegal.  Time to practice answering some tough interview questions;  "Yes, I did have sex with that woman."  Yes, I did inhale."  "Yes, I did visit those websites."  "Yes, that is me in the picture and yes, I'm doing what it looks like I'm doing."