The War Has Begun

Brothers and Sisters, I come before you today with the gravest of tidings.  Just yesterday I witnessed the first skirmishes, in a war that threatens, not only our way of life, but our very existence.  This war will not be fought upon foreign shores.  This is not a war where our brave soldiers can protect us.  This is a war in which each of us must stand up and be counted.  This is a war where the forces arrayed against us are vast, beyond imagining.  This is the War Against Reason.

I will not burden you with the risks I undertook to bring you this information, and it sorrows me to say, that by reading this, you will share my fate.  Someday, we will all die.  But I vow to you, that while my heart beats and until my dying breath, I will live.  And I will fight against the forces seeking to extinguish the flame of knowledge for all time.

The methods I used to extract information about the enemy's plans and activities, I shudder to speak of, but to achieve victory, we must not turn our backs on the truth.  May I someday be forgiven for the horrors I feel I must reveal.

As you read this, operatives of the enemy are rounding up all those capable of thought, shipping them off to secret concentration camps, operated by FEMA, and subjecting them to alien tortures, perfected at Area 51, until they become mindless zombies.  Currently, they are targeting people in Florida, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Virginia, Iowa, Colorado, Nevada and Ohio, where I myself, was nearly captured.  Fortunately, I was able to overwhelm my would be captors with the mention of global warming and a handful of change.  Taking them both prisoner, I subjected them to most brutal forms of torture imaginable, in order to gather every bit of information possible.  The first, cracked quickly and told all he knew after I offered a lollipop and a bedtime story.  The other was much tougher and I had to resort, Lord forgive me, to a Girls Gone Wild video and tickets to the Jerry Springer show.

Initially, I had hoped that we could convince their forces to defect and join with us on the side of reason.  I have made every effort, but these minds can only be opened with power tools; a process that is invariably fatal and messy.  Without any hope of massive defections, this is not an enemy we can defeat by conventional methods.  To stand against them is futile, as they are impervious to reason and logic, and not susceptible to contemplation or any knowledge.  To put it bluntly, our only hope is to be accepted amongst them.  Some day, I hope that we can infiltrate to the highest levels, where their own weapons can be used to destroy the leaders of this army of unreason.  Until that day, we must hide amongst them and conduct an unconventional war.

It is imperative that we each try to blend in and be accepted as a member of the thoughtless multitude, yet we must remain in communication.  To remain in contact is of the utmost importance.  If you are isolated, and cut off from rational thought for too long, you may end up lost to our cause.  To make contact with others of our organization, you merely have to speak the code phrase "I had a thought."  The correct response is "Too bad that's not contagious."  This exchange sounds innocent enough and is undetectable by our enemies.  The only risk is that the word contagious often triggers stories about gall stones or in-grown toenails.

At any time each of us must be prepared to react, in case our true nature is detected.  By memorizing some of their catch phrases, you can quickly assure the enemy that you are no more capable of thought, than a cabbage.  Here are a few examples that have proven very effective.  Use them as necessary, or create your own:

"Most people are a lot smarter than average"
"If we want to appeal to more people, we have to avoid pandering to the moderates."
"The universities are full of liberal socialists and they teach kids to be un-American."
"It's all the media's fault."
"That's a proven fact, because it's in the Bible."

Each of these I have heard from the forces arrayed against us.  They should serve us well.  In an emergency, any expression of bigotry, especially combined with religion is very effective.  You may also want to combine obvious contradictions, together with a vacant stare.  My personal favorite is:  "We need to love everyone equally and kill all the rest."  As a last resort, if you have been discovered, and are about to be overwhelmed, you may have to use our secret weapon.  A great deal of research has gone into developing this weapon, and I hope that we never have to use it.  This weapon combines so many ridiculous elements, with its use, you can go from being a confirmed thinker, to being recognized as one of the greatest idiots of all time.  You might even end up with your own syndicated radio show.  "Classical music was created by Karl Marx in 1968 to make Americans worship Satan and make us think it was global warming."

The way ahead of us is difficult, and there is no guarantee of success, yet we cannot allow ourselves to fail.  Often you will despair and feel the urge to scream "How Can You Be So STUPID?", but you must resist.  Pointing out the obvious is...  Damn!  I've been discovered!  I'll have to distract them quick!  "Did you ever think that some of the stars might be farther away than the moon?"

Whew!  That was close.  I must go now, before they return.  I am proud to know that each of you will continue to use your minds to resist the onslaught of unreason.  I salute you all!