The Sky Really Is Falling

I came home from work with several things that I wanted to write about, and discovered something that made me throw everything out.  Something has come to my attention much too important, too vital to our very existence to put off.  The details are very complex, so bear with me while I give you the information in the proper order.

As many of you are already aware, the government has long been plotting against us.  The goal is simple, to take all power and rights away from us and enslave us.  The most recent plot is for President Obama to declare martial law in 2016, cancel all elections and turn our country into the leader in a Muslim takeover of the world.  Due to the selfless, patriotic actions of the NRA, the first step in this diabolical plot has been thwarted.  They thought we would fall for "background checks", but we all knew, that was just a clever way of saying "take everyone's guns away and cancel the Second Amendment".  Thank you NRA for thinking first and foremost about our safety and our freedom.

However, the government was not relying solely on disarming the public to achieve their nefarious ends, they have a contingency plan.  For several years now, the government has been spraying chemicals into the upper atmosphere, and there has been much speculation about the purpose.  Certainly, it can be for no good, but what is the specific threat?  To understand the reason, I must tell you a story.

In 1980 I joined the Navy and went off to boot camp at Great Lakes, Illinois.  I ended up with the bunk under a young man I will call Joe.  Joe had graduated from a gifted program and had completed 3 years of college before dropping out at age 17.  Troubles at home led him to join the Navy.  We became fast friends, partially because we had a shared interest in organic chemistry and breasts.

Halfway through boot camp, I woke up to find Joe gone.  We were told that Joe had failed a drug test and had been kicked out of the Navy, but I always wondered about that, for one reason, because we had not been drug tested and because Joe was squeakier than Mr. Clean's rectum.  In recent years I've tried to track Joe down, using all the resources of the internet and there is no record of his existence.  It's as if he disappeared from the face of the earth.

Today, I arrived home to find a package, thinking it to be another result of my addiction to online shopping, I opened it.  What I found inside is impossible to believe, but I must believe it, we all must believe it, if we hope to survive.

Have you heard of bimetallic materials?  Take two thin pieces of metal with different rates of expansion, combine them and you have a material which bends in response to changes in temperature.  Most thermostats use this principle.  As the temperature rises, the metal straightens and turns on the air conditioning, as the temperature falls, it curls tighter and turns on the heater.  During his time at college, Joe had worked on a research project to use the bimetallic principle as a method of thought control.  Since thought and nerve impulses are electrical in nature and memory is based upon magnetic principles, by infecting the brain with bimetallic particles, thoughts might be twisted and minds bent to believe anything.  Even memory could be corrupted, with real memories being replaced by false ones.  For the past 33 years, Joe has been locked away in a secret government lab, perfecting this process.

Recently, Joe discovered how President Obama planned to first kill everyone who knew of the project, and then use the results to force all Americans to bow down to him as Emperor.  Knowing his life was already forfeit, Joe sought a way to warn the world and chose me as someone the government would not think to connect to him. 

Remember the chemicals in the upper atmosphere?  Those are bimetallic particles that collect in the clouds, rain down and contaminate our entire water supply.  Due to the magnetic nature of the brain, the particles collect there, and once the concentration is high enough, we are subject to thought control.  Why do you think they keep telling us to drink more water?

The time is short and we must act now, or become an army of mindless zombies, blindly believing in things which make no sense, blindly following along to hasten our own destruction.  Fortunately, Joe discovered a way to remove the particles so we can once again be free from the threat of mind control.  The first step, of course, is to stop drinking any type of liquid that has not been specially treated to remove or neutralize the particles.  To treat your liquids you will need to first filter them to remove most of the contaminants.  Next, take the filtered liquid and put it in a non-magnetic metal pot, I recommend aluminum.  You will also need a large permanent magnet to put in the pot.  Place the pot in your microwave and turn it on for 3 minutes per quart.  Once the microwave explodes, the liquid is safe to drink after you filter it once again.

Now that you know how to prevent re-infection, all that is left is to use the antidote to remove the particles already in your brain.  The solution is quite simple, but must be taken twice per day for 10 days.  Take 12 ounces of your own urine, cool to room temperature and then dissolve in it one Hostess Twinkie...  Damnit!  They're on to us.