At this stage in my life, it would be wonderful to claim some altruistic motive. "I just wanted to make the world a better place", "I only wanted to make people happy" or "I always hungered for knowledge". While each of these might be how others see me, in truth, they are all a load of crap. Mostly, I've wanted approval, validation, appreciation and compliments. I wanted to be loved. Looking back, it seems obvious, wanting these things is a very long way from deserving and receiving them.
I don't need to be flooded with 3 or 4 expressions of love. I know you're out there, and I appreciate the sentiment.
My self-deception began at an early age. My early success in school was fueled by a desire to have my father tell me we was proud of me. Metaphysics aside, this was not going to happen, due to his unfortunate, early demise. Perhaps the unreceived praise was more effective. It kept me interested in an education that otherwise would have left me bored out of my mind. Certainly I enjoy the pursuit of knowledge and love learning, just for the sake of learning, but that love is not what started my journey.
The American Dream: A wife, several kids, a couple of dogs and a cute little house with a white picket fence. At least that was my dream. Probably from the time I was 10 years old until well into my 30's, this was the road I thought my life should take. Approval. I wanted to be a good husband, father and neighbor. A faceless fantasy. There were no set traits I was looking for in a wife (which might explain why I've had so many), no dreams for the kids futures, even the dogs were generic. Today I can still picture that house, but I never deserved it.
After 30+ years of failed marriages, disastrous relationships and unrealized dreams, I've at last learned a few things about myself. Love is something undefined. There is no set pattern and no rules. It develops between people, and is, each time, unique. Even the love between each parent and each child is unique. Love has to sprout and grow from a tiny seed. Therein lies my problem. I know about love, I know how to love, and love comes easily to me. But, my preconception of what love is and should be causes anything that springs up to be twisted and deformed. I'm starting with a pine cone and hoping to grow an oak tree.
Today, I've decided it is time to stop looking for love. Time to leave that fantasy where it belongs, on Nick at Nite. No more flowers and dinner for two, no more romantic movies and sentimental poetry, no more trying to make one happy life out of two messed up people. I will go on loving everyone, but from afar. This is not an unhappy occasion. It is a realization; my happiness starts and ends with me.
Isn't it amazing the lengths I will go to, to convince myself it's okay to buy a new guitar?
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