Reflections From My Deathbed

No easy way to say this, so I'll just come right out with it; I'm dying.  I can't tell you how much time I have left, I'm not even certain when I learned of my impending demise, but it is coming.  No sense in worrying about it, or praying for some miraculous cure.  Unfortunately, what I have is always fatal, there is but one cause and no cure.  I'm talking about life, brought on by birth and ending in death.  If you're reading this, you're infected as well.  Sorry.

With another birthday fast approaching, death (or life, depending on how you look at it) has been on my mind.  It has been several years since the last time I died, and I'm wondering if another death is in my immediate future.  This is going to require an explanation.

In my little world, things are not always as they seem.  Death comes quite often to all of us, but we usually survive.  I view events as having many different outcomes, all equally possible.  When we have a close brush with death, in one reflection of the universe, the death actually occurred.  The corollary is that when a death does occur, somewhere, it didn't.  Does this make any sense?  Life is a gigantic maze.  Every time you make a turn you've left behind a "what if".  What if I'd gone straight to college?  What if I hadn't married her?  What if I hadn't had that 17th shot of whiskey?  Those "what ifs" are all part of where and who we are today.  And mixed in, there were plenty of dead ends that we've managed to avoid.

Most of the dead ends, are never known to us.  The fatal accident you missed by 3 minutes, the drive by shooting 2 blocks away, or the tornado that destroys the house you would have been in, if that relationship 12 years ago hadn't gone sour, are all life threatening situations you were never aware of.  Speaking only for myself, most of the life threatening situations I've been aware of were the result of my own stupidity.

Looking back, I can see most of those mistakes, and with the wisdom I've acquired, could be completely disgusted with myself.  How could I have been so dumb?  Many of my mistakes could have resulted in my death, and several came frighteningly close.  It's easy to look back and bemoan all I've lost and all I've missed out on, but I don't.  Today, I'm healthy and happy.  I have a roof over my head, food and clothing.  Who knows where I would be if I had not made all those mistakes and ridiculous choices?

If you have children, you want to steer them away from the mistakes you made.  The trouble is, we have a tendency to edit our lives.  We gloss over our mistakes and failures and paint a past that shows what we wish we had done.  In my opinion, you will have a difficult time reaching your children in that manner.  You have to see their world through your childhood eyes, hear their problems with your childhood ears.  In this way, you should be able to convince them that you really do understand.  Once they know you really do get it, they may be more willing to make use of your wisdom.

If nothing else, you'll at least make them extremely uncomfortable.

Just for those few people who might have missed it, I"m not dying in the generally accepted sense.  I'm only dying in the sense that no one lives forever, and every day brings us all another day closer to death.  Don't call me in tears, or send embarrassingly emotional e-mails.  Although flowers would be nice.